Yours Truly.

Music

As a child, I’d lay on my bed and listen to music. I don’t think I actually listened to the words, it was more about the melodies and the sound of the singers voice. It used to calm me, put me in a trance of sorts. Some would call my home life rough, full of abuse, violence, struggle, and poverty filled. Throughout all of this, I held onto what I knew was true. Family, and love. I loved my parents, regardless of their financial standing in our community or whether or not they even loved each other. And I loved my sisters. There has never been a love in my life like the love I have for my sisters. I am the eldest of three girls, so yes, our house was always full of drama and tears. But over the years, they have become my best friends, and I would die for them in an instant.

My closest sister, who is now a mother to a beautiful little boy, also shares a love for music like I do. We went through everything together. This includes sitting in our room that we shared at night, listening to our parents fight about bills and drinking. There were countless times when we heard the never ending argument about why the electricity was getting shut off, or why don’t you go have another beer Mark? We held onto each other, physically and mentally. Last night, I was sitting on my bed, listening to music, something I do frequently. I had just finished downloading a new song I had recently heard called “Breathe Me” by Sia. I was listening to her voice, to the words, to the melodies, and chills ran up and down my arms, legs, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

I don’t know if this had anything to do with what the song was about, but it was then that it hit me… I will be leaving everything that I hold closest to my heart in just a few weeks. I’m leaving my sister, my best friend, my confidant, my rock. If I let it, this could be the end of me. This could set me into a downward spiral that I’ll never be able to climb out of. This epiphany brought me to tears, tears I haven’t cried in quite some time. I just sat there, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I rarely allow my feelings to surface, and I honestly have no clue why I allow myself to bubble it all up inside until it is under so much pressure that I burst like this. It was embarrassing, and tiring. And I didn’t feel better afterwards. I fell asleep listening to sweet, beautiful music.. and I woke with red, swollen eyes. My hearts heavy today, and I just wish it would go away. I really wish there was something to tell me I’m making the right decision. At this point, I really don’t have a choice, I have to go through with what I’ve chosen.

This is a classic case of you can’t have your cake and eat it too. But I wish so badly that I could. I want a life that includes my sister and nephew. Skype won’t cut it here. And I’m done bitching… well.. probably not, but I’m done for now.